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and that’s the world tonight… April 27, 2012

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Early this April, upon seeing a The World Tonight plug on ANC while resting at my parents’ house, I commented to my mom, Buhay pa si Angelo Castro? Idol ko yan e.” A few days later, he passed away.

I couldn’t recall how my mom reacted to my words probably because my mind drifted to one of the biggest “what ifs” of my life. Occasionally, it happens. Though I’m fine with my life now, I still wonder, what if I followed one of my biggest ambition, to be like Angelo Castro Jr., the news broadcast master.

The tide of life brought me to UP Los Bańos since high school until I became an Entomology major graduate. I can remember how insecure I was back then with almost everything but I managed to survive. Some high school teachers probably thought I had potential to become a broadcaster, public speaker, or actor because I was asked to read news items in class, join a district or provincial speech contest, and take the lead role in a major school play. If a batch mate of mine in UP Rural High School is reading this, a question like this might arise, Hindi nga? I don’t recall Alhmar do this or that.” Or maybe, even a Heck, I don’t recall Alhmar at all!”

When an opportunity was presented to me back then, I either did it half-heartedly, almost always turned it down, or found a way for them to finally say “Never mind, we’ll find someone else.”  That’s even though when I was still a kid, my main ambitions were to be a broadcaster, journalist, or actor. I never grabbed those opportunities by the horn.

I would not detail here all the reasons why I did it that way and who were all those responsible for my insecurities and lack of enthusiasm to shine. It doesn’t matter anymore. Frankly, the rollercoaster life I lived led me to the “I’m fine with my life now” status I have.

But of course, there are times when an event just brings you back to memory lane. Angelo Castro’s passing suddenly made me do what I seldom do now but love doing… to write. His death did not make me reminisce of past events. It made me look back on many should haves, would haves, and could haves in my life. It also made me appreciate again why I’m where I am right now.

And for my final word tonight, “Have no complains in life. Just a wish, that we could have more than one life.”

And that’s the world tonight… Here’s a salute to the gentleman who made me watch news and eventually read the news at the age of 8. Angelo Castro Jr., thank you and goodnight.

EVERYBODY’S CHANGING – from August 14, 2006 May 29, 2011

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i was listening to this very beautiful keane song and it reminded me how true it is that the only certain thing in life is death and CHANGE.

so much things has happened in the last 5 weeks and if you ask me 6 weeks ago (while my mom was confined in the hospital due to pre-stroke symptoms) if i saw this all coming…hell, no!

6 weeks ago, my family was in deep shit financially but i was madly in love with someone that made my life difficult but happy at the same time…i was also convinced that for the first time in many years, i’m sure with what i want and my life’s heading the right direction…i just came off a big change in my life half a year ago…i didn’t need, want, and welcome another change…i was content.

first, the positive change…for the last 5 weeks, my family suddenly has (almost) enough money to start paying our debts and loans, repaint our gate and fence, buy a laptop, have complete meds for my mom, send my brother to painting school, pay our bills on time,…i’m not used to this kind of situation for the last 4 years.

ironically, the main source of the problem became the quick-fix solution…my father’s gambling. but i also have to credit him for his sudden change of attitude towards work and vices. it took my mom’s health scare to wake him up but maybe, faith really has their own way of putting things into places. 

then, the other side…for the last 5 weeks, i’ve lost the person that changed everything in my life since 2006 started and have to deal with it. dealing with it involved a lot of painful realizations about myself and pride swallowing…but it also resulted to some things that could be positive in the end –>

knowing that you can’t really trust your heart all the time…

re-connecting with a person who’s always been on my side, whether as a friend or more than that…

closure of an issue that has haunted me for the last 4 years…

trying out something that i always wanted to do but didn’t have the guts and confidence to pursue…it’s being a part of a band, working hard to improve my vocals and rhythm guitar playing, as well as learning to play a percussion box…

realizing that i have many friends (especially alden, chinit, and len) who’s been there for more than 5 years already and that will still be there for you to share their precious time and patience when you truly need it…they are definitely not just there for the fun times…

losing more weight. extreme loneliness beats diet, pills, exercise,…i’m down to 155 from 167 six weeks ago and 185 when the year started…

learning how to cope…with uncertainty. no matter how much you thought everything’s in place the way you hoped for, something will happen that will get you off-track. and when that happens, you always seem to be unprepared for it.

WALTZ – from Oct. 16, 2006 May 29, 2011

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enjoy your life…well, it doesn’t mean you’re happy. those are two different things. but enjoy anyway.

everybody flips, everybody flops. you can’t trust anyone. if you choose to believe, make sure you know everything’s that is said and done by anyone is always just for the moment. they won’t mean it at one point in their lives…they will even regret it, i guarantee.

make money…that’s the best thing you can do for yourself coz you are living in this current world.

it doesn’t pay to be a “nice” person or always trying to do or fight for what’s right…the happiest and most fulfilled people are the bitches and assholes of this world…what’s your reaction?…hell, no! or hell yeah! ?

don’t be afraid to hurt pipol…coz we will be hurt at some point by someone that matters to us, whether we deserve it or not.it just happens…don’t ever believe you are exempted…

live your life close to the lyrics of most r&b songs…they seldom talk about getting hurt and being hurt, unlike those sappy and silly love songs or angst-filled rock songs (example:check out waltz by hale)… r&b talk about the best thing in the world if only no one gives a shit in our lives…

I STARTED A JOKE – from Nov.28, 2006 May 29, 2011

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if i can describe the voice of bee gee Robin Gibb, i’ll take the title of his 2003 album “Magnet” and just say it’s magnetic. Sure, Barry Gibb is the more famous, charismatic, and successful one. But it’s robin gibb whose voice you would always look forward to. try really listening to it and if you have the passion for the dramatics or just simply knows how it feels to have a broken heart, you would just get magnetized and captured by his unusual voice.


after seeing the One Night Only bee gees concert in Las Vegas (on TV) 8 years ago, i told myself that when i’m older and the bee gees ever bring their show to Hong Kong or Singapore ( i knew Manila won’t be considered for a one per continent special they were doing), i’ll move heaven and earth to be able to watch them live. That was my entertainment dream (along with seeing The Tonight Show with Jay Leno live!).


But then, Maurice Gibb died in 2003. how saddened i was that i will not be able to hear the best three-part harmony in history (yes, better than John, Paul, and George) live.


While on one of the saddest part of my life a few months back, i suddenly learned that the bee gees are planning to include manila on their asian tour itinerary…how delighted was i! 2/3 of my dream could come true.


it took, i think upto September before the concert was confirmed. but what i suddenly learned over the net was that it will only be robin gibb. i was disappointed.


yeah, robin gibb is my all-time favorite vocal. The best 3 include 1. robin gibb 2. david gates 3. karen carpenter. but i was expecting barry and robin!


however, after the initial disappointment, i got back to my senses and realized, hey, it was THE robin gibb!


i’m in some sort of financial stress lately and so i couldn’t afford the expensive ringside and lower box seats for 1/3 of my entertainment dream. at some point, i even contemplated on general admission tix.


in the end, me and my brother josant (for the bee cees, hehe, i sing the barry part and jos does an almost perfect robin part) settled for the upper box B seats. ei, what’s important was to hear robin live, backed up by a full band and an orchestra. we won’t miss the chance of blending our own little voices with the actual robin gibb!


but it was so hard for us to sing along coz upon hearing robin belt out songs such as I Started a Joke, Saved by the Bell, First of May (his version of the Barry song), and Nights on Broadway, we knew we were hearing the real thing and all we wanted to do was listen…


“…i looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes. and i fell out of bed, hurting my head with things that i said…”


“…saved by the bell on your own carousel. now, who can tell, if you’ll love that man as well. now, i’ll walk that Heartbreak Lane…”


“…but you and i, our love will never die. but guess who’ll cry, come first of may…”


“…well i have to follow you, though you did not want me to. but that won’t stop my loving you, i can’t stay away!…”


all in all, it was a great show. i’ll blog about the actual concert next time. all i have to say for now is that thank God He sent Robin to perform here in manila. and i hope he keeps his promise to bring Barry next year/time.

THE END – from Jan. 10, 2007 May 29, 2011

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if you’ve seen HAPPY FEET, it had a song in the last part that had the line, ” in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make…” this came from the song THE END by the beatles. it’s not my favorite beatle song but it is my favorite beatle lyric.


one of the prettiest and nicest person in my friendster, anna melissa san gil, passed away this morning. she struggled with cancer for almost 3 years. she survived the first wave but the cancer came back last September and it was a losing battle since then. one of the saddest part of this story, she was only 23.


i’m not really very, very close to melissa but even after he and josant parted, she was still a friend. here are our connections for the last 7 years that i’ve known her and a few things i remember about her…

1. she was my brother’s girlfriend upto 2004.

2. she was a former star circle and hiyas ng san pedro winner.

3. she was a prettier version of jolina magdangal and paola peralejo, hehe. (right, jos?)

4. i saw her several times when josant brought her to our house or along family affairs, and even in los banos one time…and along the way, knows some secrets about me!

5.  i liked talking to her, she was sensible and witty.

6. she was one of the person who visited me in the hospital in 2003 when i was confined for days and was there when i was taken out.

7. she was my client, i took care of the termite control of their home in pacita.

8. in makati around 2005, a taxi almost bumped into the adventure i was driving. before i got mad, i found out it was melissa inside the taxi who told the taxi to catch up with us and just wanted to catch up with me to wave and say hi!

9. this laptop i’m using, she sold this to us at a very friendly price! let’s just say we easily saved P30-40,000!

10. the last time i saw her was last july at her condo and she complimented me with my new look and even encouraged me that can pass as a flight steward! really?! nah, is till don’t think so.


there are a few more but i’ll stick with ten.


last december, i was suppose to come with josant and my mom to vsist her at Subic where she was confined. my business sked did not permit me to go with them but at the back of my mind, i didn’t wanna see her in the condition she was in at that time. from my bro and mom’s account, she was very thin but still trying hard to be lively and perky…typical melissa. i just wanna remember her back when she was one of the loveliest person i’ve met.


melissa was very caring to her family. she sacrificed a lot to make sure she won’t let her mom and siblings down…she always had a ready smile for everyone…she was close to my mom and my father, who’s hard to please, liked her… if you only knew how many friends went out of their way to visit her in olongapo and last night in her final hours, you’d be amazed.


she’s the kind of person that even if you were only with her a few minutes, hours, days, years…she’ll always leave a positive impression, an impact. i admire and envy her for that.


and now, 23years and 2months after her birth, God took her away. It’s futile to argue with faith on why this had to happen. let it be. all i can say now is that having known melissa, the line, ” in the end, the love you make, is equal to the love you take…” is so true. there are so many people who loves and/or admires her. and she deserves it.


bye, mel.

IT’S MY LIFE – from Jan. 15, 2007 May 29, 2011

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2006 will probably go down as my so-called life’s most memorable and eventful year. i never had this much happiness, pain, excitement, complications, happenings, fun, and stupidity since 2002.


for those who always thought and/or believed that i’m this guy who always does his best to do the right thing, well, forget that guy. in 2006, i discovered that all that is trash. i will do what my conscience can take and will not do what it can’t.


but be assured that i still value friendship, especially those who have proven to be the real ones.


i went to places i despised going to. i did things that i never really thought i could or ever would. i finally lived up to the repuatation of being a… all because i had to experience what it’s like to be totally hurt. couldn’t escape it, no excuses. and i wasn’t good at it, i realized.


but if not for that, i wouldn’t have realized a lotta things. i wouldn’t have stayed with my family. i wouldn’t have had the guts to be part of a band. i wouldn’t get me a motorcycle. i wouldn’t be able to spend my nights in places i never imagined i’d stay or even sleep.


bon jovi’s “it’s my life” was something i heard first in baguio while in a club with my entomsoc barkada in 2001. then it was used as the theme song for a mitsubishi adventure ad. it always made me feel that this is how i wanna live my life. “it’s now or never, coz i ain’t gonna live forever, i just wanna live while i’m alive.”


the bottomline is, i’m just trying to be happy with my life now. but i know what will really make me happy and content. i’m still here, waiting for that chance. but till then, i’ll enjoy my life before i sleep and after waking up…the hardest parts of my life.


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i find it strange that i kinda believe zodiac signs. for some reason, at some points in my life, i find myself saying, “interestingly true”…i mean, read the characteristics of a gemini and it almost describes me to the letter (almost, ok?).

The Gemini personality is bright, witty and adaptable. Very little ever troubles Gemini, or stop one talking for long – Gemini can argue their way out of any situation. Having a lively curiosity, Gemini also excels at gathering information, processing it, and expressing it in an accessible way to the waiting world. This personality can do almost everything – so long as it does not cause boredom, anathema to Gemini. With so many talents and an ability to make something out of nothing, Gemini’s difficulty lies in deciding where, and how to concentrate. Gemini are almost always doing at least two things at once. The self-expressive Gemini personality simply has to communicate, knows everything, from strong opinions and is always right – except that Gemini can change their minds so quickly that they may end up contradicting themselves. Consequently, Gemini can appear indecisive or hypocritical.

what do you think?

with regards to relationships, at times when it said i should beware of leos and librans, i should have followed…when it said an aquarius will be this or an aries will do that, it unfolds as such.

but chinese horoscope, i wasn’t a big fan. though looking at the description of a monkey makes me say, “ei, that’s me” at times.

Monkeys can run circles around other people with ease. They are curious and clever people who catch on quickly to most anything. Monkey people generally can accomplish any given task. They appreciate difficult or challenging work as it stimulates them and makes them think.

Persuasive and passionate, this Monkey is a warm person. He is successful due to his innate determination and ambitious nature. He works hard to climb the ladder of success and prefers to work alone. They are loyal employees, always prepared and tactful with answers and upper management. In love these Monkeys are just as loyal as well as loving and affectionate.

Monkeys are just as good as spending money as they are at making it. They can’t really save it because it burns a hole in their pockets. Occasionally though, Monkeys should put a little away today for an emergency tomorrow.

Suitable Gifts: Books, pens, mobile phone, a makeover, joke book, crossword puzzles

Hobbies and Pastimes: Playing an instrument, working a puzzle, karaoke, mind teasers

Monkeys Dislike: Being told to be quiet, not being the most popular, people who don’t like their jokes Monkeys are sociable and lovable and make good friends. As they desire attention, they generally have a grand following of friends and acquaintances. No other animal finds communication and talking with others quite as easy as the Monkey does. As friends they will make you laugh when you want to cry. People want their Monkey friends around them because of their wit, sensitivity and effervescence.

Compatible Friends

Best Friends: Dragons and Rats

Mortal Enemy: Tigers

Monkeys, of all the other signs, are the most promiscuous. They are flirtatious and like to seek the attention of others to get what they want. They are easily bored and must be stimulated intellectually as well as physically in order to stay around for extended periods of time. The Monkey can be clever, mischievous and manipulative when pursuing a love interest.

and to sum up, a gemini who is a monkey (zodiac meets chinese)…


These people are quick thinkers who can process and problem solve with ease. They have energy and lead an active lifestyle. They need someone to adore them in order to be happy.


last year, they said that the year of the dog (2006 in particular)would be an awful year for those born in 1956, 68, 80, 92. part of the tips to shoo bad luck were to the avoid visiting the sick, going to hospitals, and attending and funerals.

but how could i avoid them? my grandma was in the brink of death, dr. stephen reyes died, and my mom was hospitalized for pre-stroke symptoms.

the way my year started in terms of business and personal, i couldn’t care less about the horoscope. first half of the year, i was doing ok with money and despite a lotta hardships, i was able to say i’m happy. but then, after my birthday (half of the year), things started to fall apart…business was bad. i got into a terrible break-up. my mom almost had stroke. my dad was deep into gambling. my grandma eventually died…i just try to enjoy myself. getting into a band. going out, doing things i never imagined doing. rediscovering old flames. purchasing a motorcycle. road tripping. getting drunk 5x a week…i really enjoyed my life to a point i was being a bit sinful and a lot bankrupt. so, it was really a bad year for someone born in 1980. what the fuck?!…is the horoscope true then or just coincidence?

then came the year of the pig (2007)…

SEND IN THE CLOWN – from May 10, 2007 May 29, 2011

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My childhood was filled with memories of me, josant, and jaime being together outside of school hours and spending hours playing on the street, Nintendo, biking, watching tv, wrestling, and pretending like we’re tito, vic, and joey, bioman, ninja turtles, or the ghostbusters.

Tito, vic, and joey…the trio from eat!bulaga, iskulbukol, tvj, and movies like super wan, tu, tri, send in the clowns, and kabayo kids…I was tito, josant was vic, and jaime was joey. TVJ were my icons, especially tito sotto. Vic and joey were always the funniest and most successful on tv and movies but it was tito who got my respect.

He was a champion bowler, topnotch tv host (brigade siete) and quizmaster (remember kilometrico?), accomplished musician — the brain behind VST and co., producer of sharon cuneta and rey valera, composed ikaw lang ang aking mahal and magkaisa…but most of all, he was a working senator.

It worked for him that he was a popular comedian when he ran for the senate in 1992, which he topped. He was even considered as (and would have won) vice president in 1998 if not for power-hungry people like de venecia who muddled in the arroyo-sotto tandem that could have stopped the estrada juggernaut then.

But the same factor that worked for him, are the same reasons why he is having difficulty in this year’s election. Tito was always dismissed as “just a comedian”, a “clown” whose slot in the senate was a waste. It’s a classic case of image preceding one’s record.

But for those who may care, since the internet makes information easily accessible to us, you may want to check out his senate record…he was one of the very few senators who really worked. Some senators showcased their intellectual and oral flair in front of the media but neglected their real purpose as a senator, legislation.

I never agreed on his position on the Estrada case. But to my mind, I just felt he knew his constituents. The ones who voted for him are the “masa” who supports erap overwhelmingly. The other social classes hardly studied his credentials and dismiss him as “lightweight.”

I partly blame Tito for the collapse of my dream to have a ROCO administration. Together with several elements, he pushed a reluctant FPJ to run for president. This provided the setup for Gloria Arroyo to win the elections. It was easier to demolish FPJ than for GMA to go head-on with Raul Roco. This resulted to GMA winning coz millions were stupidly convinced that voting for GMA is the only way to stop an FPJ presidency. If Tito was part of a grand plan to ensure GMA’s win in 2004, i actually think so.

But all these aside, I still strongly support Tito’s senatorial return. Though he was a childhood idol, people who know me well are aware that I take politics seriously. In 1998 and this year, I would have never recommended Tito Sotto if he did not prove himself worthy to be a senator the first time around.

Now, Tito may suffer the same fate as Robert Jaworski, another idol that I believe to have worked exceptionally well in the senate but made a serious mistake in 2004. Tito and jawo thought their popularity will be enough to carry them to another election, regardless of affiliations. No.

No matter how they thought they worked hard to win the votes of the “learned” ones, their voters remain to be the masa. When they ran under Gloria’s cloak, post –EDSA dos, they alienated their main source of votes.

I hope Tito defies the result of this mistake. No matter how much I wanna see him more on eat! Bulaga, he would be more useful and fulfilled in the Senate. Anyway, Vic (the reigning movie king) and Joey (the undeniable TV king) has left him eating dust in terms of entertainment talent and achievements.

Send in the “clown” back to the senate.

BAND ON THE RUN – from June 26, 2007 May 29, 2011

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I miss being in a band. I became part of a band from august 2006 to its sudden end in February 2007. I never wanted it to end. But internal squabbles, increasing business projects, and lack of ambition to really make it in the band scene factored in and ended it for me…still, my 7-month band experience was one of the most exciting and enjoyable time of my life…just when I needed it most.

I will be the first to admit, I’m not the greatest of vocalist…but I try damn hard to make up through sheer effort and showmanship. I enjoy gigs so much that I hope it reflects whenever we are on stage. If given the chance, I’d like to have time for it again. And the opportunity, of course…The post-performance compliments, girls asking for my number, the tips, and the alcohol! Wahahaha! It was all worth the sleepless and tiring night.

And can you imagine me singing Beep, Too Close, and those Black Eyed Peas rap stuffs?!

I just miss it so much. 4 months after my last gig, I still want it but I can’t anymore…at least, for now.

NO MATTER WHAT – from July 4, 2007 May 29, 2011

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I was branded a scum anonymously by an ex’s sister who’s on my friendster. She wrote a blog about me, though in fairness, she never mentioned my name.

Now, for some reason, I felt the urge to share her blog. She does well-written and interesting blogs, actually. Here it goes:

Recently I had a talk with my demented sister about men, relationships, breakups, and all other things in between. It started when I told her that one of her ex-boyfriends had recently added me in his friendster and I accepted. Extremely upset she said, “Bakit mo ginawa yon?!” as if Ive done some horrible, unforgiveable deed.

It turns out, he wasn’t just an ex; he was THE ex –– the one who’d mess with your head and heart so much and burn you so bad until you come to the irrefutable conclusion that yes, men are indeed the scum of the universe.

According to ate, she was trulymadlydeeply in love with this guy. And the guy was, too. They were merrily laughing one day, holding hands while flowers bloom and rainbows shine, and the next day it was goodbye, see ya. Guy said, “But I still love you. There’s no one else. You see, we’re like in a jungle and we get separated, and if I find my way back to you that would be terrific; if not, then Im afraid that’s just the way things have to be.” Huh? WHAT WAS THAT?! Seriously, have you ever heard such a horrible metaphor?

The Guy was so insecure, (well, he was chubby, dark, flunking out of college, unpopular, with financial crisis worse than Asia’s) and he felt he didn’t deserve my super-babe of a sister (err..that’s according to my sis).

Really, I think for this type of guys they should be thanking their lucky stars instead of sulking and ruining what could possibly be the best thing that could ever happen to them.

So anyway, they broke up, got back together, and miserably broke up again. Adding more insult to injury, after a week, he sports out his new GF na mukang katulong daw. Muntik na tuloy siyang gulpihin ng brods ng ate ko.

Everyone asked what she saw in this…(5 sec, looking for a decent PG word)…person. Many years, tears, and other BFs after, Ate was about to get married. Guy calls and tries to talk her out of the wedding. “Ikakasal ka nga ba?” Duh? Sino ka si Hadji Alejandro? Ate said, “Is there any reason why I shouldn’t get married?” Dramatic pause. “No.”

Ding ding ding! And there goes another round of rejection. Rejection upon rejection. Makes you wonder how much more can a human heart take. Indeed, nothing compares to the resilience of the human heart. It’s incredible what it can endure and recover from. But what’s even more amazing is how it seems to keep coming back to risk yet again excruciating pain, just for that one shot for… i dont know… happiness, I guess.

Recently, Guy rejected Ate yet again as he refused her friendster invitation. Can you believe the this guy?!

But after a few days, Guy invited her back. But this time, Ate has had it, and she was ready to executed her perfect revenge. Friendster invitation rejected. HA! Yeah, I know its lame, but it’s somewhat symbolic— so I say, “Way to go, girl!”

As for my own guy problems and taste of equally horrible metaphors and lines, that’s for part 2. :)

Now, as for my reaction when I read this…well, I felt sad. I won’t say anymore which part is true or not. Parts of her blog are true but some of them are so inaccurate!

But I guess, this is my point…I still feel sorry for hurting her sister. As far as I know, I tried to the right thing. I fell out of love. I had to do it.

After all these years, it still affects her. Amazing…but I’m really sorry. I guess, my miseries in relationships are well-deserved based on all the horse manure that I’ve done according to her sister’s blog. All I can say is that for all it’s worth, I’ve had my share of pain, too.

The Alhmar back then don’t deserve what was written in the blog. Some words there are so untrue and exaggerated, i felt a bit of resentment. But it didn’t last long…

The Alhmar now, maybe he does deserve these kinds of hits. Anyway, he gave up on insisting doing the right coz all it does is hurt. The result is bothering.

But it took the righteousness and arrogance out of him and now, he feels lighter. And more free.

Alhmar’s focus now is just to be more successful and feel better. The rest will have to play along or get out of his life.

He’s with the person who he loves to spend the rest of his life. That’s all that matters now, no matter what.